Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Victims of betrayal and emotional abuse are put through a sickening cycle wherein the abuser almost always promises to make changes, to get better, to stop.
How can a victim know when her abuser is truly changing?
Forest Benedict, author and certified sexual treatment provider, shares his insights on the free BTR podcast and in the full transcript below, detailing three ways that women can know if their partner is truly in recovery from his abusive behaviors.
1.True Action & Attitude Change (Not Benchmarks) May Show Real Recovery
Words mean nothing at this point. This has already been proven based on the past. An unhealthy and unsafe situation has been created because of words and so action is everything --action that is not a performance, along with an attitude change. 

Forest Benedict, author and certified sexual treatment provider
Women suffering from the effects of betrayal trauma and emotional abuse know all too well that words are meaningless. Victims can begin to believe that their partner is beginning to change when they see healthy actions and attitudes replace abusive actions and attitudes.
What Do "Healthy Actions and Attitudes" Mean?
For an abusive man to change, he can't simply go from "abusive" to "typical". To truly recover from abusiveness, he must live amends. This means that his life must be fully dedicated to repairing the grievous damage that he has caused to others, but especially his partner and children. Lundy Bancroft specifies what "living amends" means in his book Why Does He Do That? The 13 Signs of Change are helpful in knowing what it looks when a man truly is living amends.
2. Humility May Be a Sign of Real Recovery for An Emotionally Abusive Man
Humility, a willingness to humble themselves and submit to the process (of living amends), and willing to acknowledge the trauma they have caused and get out of the victim mentality where they act like they can't do anything.

Forest Benedict, author and certified sexual treatment provider
When abusive men show a willingness and even further, gratitude for the opportunity to live amends and begin attempting to repair the damage and chaos they have created, victims may be seeing real signs of recovery.

Humility is, unfortunately, very easy for abusive men to fake. Victims can spot grooming by seeing if his actions line up with his words, if he sticks with it without reverting back to his abusive self, and by trusting their instincts.

If you feel that something is "off" or that he isn't being honest with you, you are probably right. Trust yourself.
3. Respect for All Women is a Promising Sign of True Recovery
Pornography use exploits women. When men completely stop using pornography for a substantial period of time, without any slips, out of true respect for women, it is indicative that his attitudes and behaviors are becoming healthy.
A man in real recovery believes this: My wife is a woman of infinite worth. Because of this, she deserves my best efforts. She deserves a husband who only has eyes for her. She deserves a husband in active recovery, not passively going with the flow. She deserves a husband who reminds her that she is not to blame for his past or present choices. She deserves a husband who actively opposes visual and mental lust in all forms, viewing it as the enemy of true intimacy.

Forest Benedict, author and certified sexual treatment provider 
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Supports Victims of Betrayal and Emotional Abuse
At BTR, we believe that no matter what a partner's choices are,