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episode 49: Dear Clergy: Stop Enabling Abuse
Betrayal and abuse victims deserve support, love, and empowerment. Especially from their church leaders. However, many women report traumatizing and damaging experiences when they confide in clergy. At BTR, we ask church leaders everywhere: stop enabling abuse.
Liz, a member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community, joins Anne on the free BTR podcast. Her story is tragic. Her courage is incredible. Liz's brother sexually abused her when she was a child. Her father, an active pornography user, abused her sister. Liz sought help from clergy. Tragically, her church leaders minimized and dismissed her experiences. They did not hold the abusive men accountable.
Liz chose then and still chooses to hold strong boundaries. These boundaries protect her and her children from her sexually abusive family.
Read the full transcript below or tune in to the BTR podcast for more.
Dear Clergy: You're Enabling Abuse Without Realizing It
Emotional abuse and betrayal victims don't always use the word "abuse" when confiding in clergy. They may feel intimidated by their abuser. Perhaps they're afraid their clergy won't believe them. Often, they're just so confused about their situation that they can't identify it as abuse.
When a woman comes to you and she shares that her partner:
* Uses pornography
* Acts out sexually with prostitutes
* Has betrayed her with another person
* Is having emotional affairs
* Yells at her and/or the children
* Breaks things
* Punches or hits walls or objects
* Pretends to be nice in public, but is a different person at home
* Makes her do things, sexually, that she doesn't want to
* Forces her to have sex
* Controls her
* Physically harms her in any way
* Lies to and manipulates her
You can assume that she is being abused. And that it's only a small part of the story.
You can take decisive action in supporting her immediately. It's important that you learn about marital sexual abuse. Because pornography users usually sexually abuse their wives.
Dear Clergy: Sexual Abuse Is A Crime (Including Marital Rape)
When church authorities enable abuse, victims are re-traumatized. Victims become confused. Victims blame themselves. They may accept the excuses made for the abuser. They may try to "forgive" while still living in an unsafe situation.
This is dangerous because too many men are sexually abusing their wives. Covert marital rape is tragically common.
Often, victims of marital rape are unable to identify what's happening to them. Abusive men use manipulation and other psychologically abusive tactics to keep victims in a vortex of confusion.
Clergy can help victims identify sexual abuse.
Sexual abuse and rape don't always mean a violent attack. Sexual abuse coercion can include:
* Engaging in sexual contact with a partner without disclosing pornography use and other sexual behaviors
* Exposure to pornographic material
* Coercion to view pornography
* Unwanted sexual touch and/or sexual conversations
* Covert marital rape
* Explicit filming and/or photographing the victim