Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

The codependency model has traditionally been used to treat wives of men who use pornography and sexually act-out. In recent years, research has shown that betrayed women are not codependent but are in betrayal trauma.
Betrayal trauma experts Kate Bowers and Michelle Adams join Anne on the free BTR podcast to take a deep dive into why the codependent model is harmful, and how betrayal affects women. Listen to the free BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
The Codependency Model Doesn't Label Women As Abuse Victims
Infidelity, pornography use, and other sexual acting-out behavior are abusive. It is important to label victims as victims, or abusers are enabled to keep abusing.
The codependent model does not clearly delineate that partners of porn users are victims of abuse. In fact, it may be used as a tool to blame victims for being abused.

Once I made that shift in my head where I started viewing women who are in relationships with porn users as abuse victims, it was like I’d always known it. I was able to reframed everything in my past according to that paradigm. Everything fit really well. Now I sometimes hear women who have a hard time wrapping their head around the trauma model at first because they feel more comfortable sitting in codependency because they have some semblance of control this way." 
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery 

What Is The Problem With Codependency?
When women accept the label of "codependency" rather than the truth: that they are abuse victims, it is more difficult for them to find truth and safety.
Michelle, victim of her porn-using partner, describes how she processed the codependency narratives that she learned from a 12-step group:

My very first real memory of SAL was Step 1: My life has become unmanageable. That wasn't true for me: my life was manageable a month ago but it’s not manageable now because of my husband’s choices but I could do everything before and now my life is unmanageable but it’s not because I can’t manage my life. It’s because my life has been turned upside down. That particular part seemed very codependent and didn't feel right to me. I didn't like that part, but I loved the women there. I loved the stories that they share. I loved how vulnerable they are.
Michelle Adams, betrayal trauma expert

The Codependency Model Blames Victims
Kate, who is a recovering addict herself and also an abuse survivor, explains her journey beyond codependency to the trauma model,

In the trauma model, I didn’t do anything wrong, and I’m not saying I don’t have flaws, but I didn’t do anything wrong to cause the issues in my marriage, like the big issues, the addiction. 
Kate Bowers, betrayal trauma expert

The Codependency Model Enables Abusers
In the trauma model, there’s a perpetrator and a victim. In other words, it doesn’t take two to tango.
In the codependency model, when a victim takes responsibility for her abuser's choices, the abuser is not being held accountable and the victim is less likely to set safety effective boundaries.

It is very important to make clear that a man should not abuse his wife ever. For any reason. Regardless of what she is doing. Regardless of whether she sets boundaries or not the abuse is still 100% his deal.
Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery

Betrayal Trauma Recovery Embraces The Trauma Model
At BTR,