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episode 37: If Your Husband Betrayed You With Men
What happens when your whole world gets turned upside down in an instant? Everything you knew, destroyed. It can't be real. But it is: your husband has been acting out with other men. He identifies as gay and you are destroyed. You are left wondering: Was my marriage ever real if my husband is gay?
This situation is all too familiar to Sara Schulting Kranz. Sarah has been through unimaginable hardships throughout her life. She was raped at 17 years of age. The rape resulted in pregnancy. She chose to keep her child. Twenty-three years later she found out her husband of 17 years was having affairs with men for most of their marriage.
Read the full transcript below and listen to the BTR podcast for more.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YI6W-XKPSs8
Feeling Shocked To Find Out Your Husband Is Gay
"It was devastating to scroll through my husband's phone and find all the gay porn and the websites he was looking at."
Sara Schulting Kranz
With a betrayal as confusing and painful as this, it is understandable and natural for a partner to feel shock, betrayal, and even disgust.
Victims can take comfort in knowing that they are not alone, both in this experience and in these painful emotions.
What Are The Options When You Find Out Your Husband Is Gay?
"Could we possibly make any of this work now or into the future when the kids get older? I didn't want to make any rash decisions; I wanted to have all the facts and feel emotionally secure enough to make it from a place of clarity."
Sara Schulting Kranz
While some women leave their marriages after finding out their husband is gay, others choose to stay. Regardless of the decision, options should be carefully considered and the choice should be respected.
My Husband Is Gay, Is It My Fault?
Among a myriad of painful emotions, many women also feel intense guilt and shame. Some blame themselves, wondering if they weren't "good enough" for their partner.
This belief is harmful because it is both false and victim-blaming. Women are not responsible for the sexual behaviors of their partners. They can do nothing to cause, control, or "cure" their partner's sexual acting-out.
Time, support, and boundaries can help women heal from the devastating feelings of inadequacy that can come from a betrayal of this nature.
What To Do If Your Husband Has Betrayed You
If your partner has told to you that he has been or currently is in sexual relationships with men, you may wonder what your next steps should be.
Betrayal Trauma Checklist
* Get tested for STDs and STIs immediately
* Find a strong support system of safe people who are trauma and abuse-informed
* If you have children, make sure that any pornographic paraphernalia is out of the house
* Set boundaries that protect you and your children from further harm (boundaries are actions, not statements)
* Begin a simple self-care regimen that includes nutrition and rest (you may have trouble sleeping, but try to take time each day to lie down and let your body relax)