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episode 46: 4 Must-Know Myths About Shame
"Shame" is a buzzword right now, receiving a lot of attention. Many addicts blame their porn use on shame. Therapists tell victims to avoid shaming the porn user at all costs.
But this doesn't quite sit right.
What's the truth about shame?
Just how does shame play into a pornography user's behavior?
Shame doesn’t cause addictions. Let’s be real clear about this. We've been studying addiction now for many years. It started with animals, where they can induce addiction—animals do not have shame—and they then cut the brains open. They look at the brains, they see the brain changes, so thousands and thousands of rats, mice, even monkeys.
Gary Wilson, Shame & Addiction Expert
Gary Wilson, shame and addiction expert, meets with Anne on the free BTR podcast to dispel the four myths of shame. Listen to the BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
Four Myths Of Shame
In a world where therapists, clergy, family, and friends counsel victims to not "shame" the abusive man in their life, women need the truth.
Gary offers the truths that bust four toxic myths about shame:
* Shame causes addiction/pornography use & sexual acting-out
* You need to avoid shaming addicts at all costs
* Don't hold porn users accountable because it will increase their shame
* Don't tell porn users the truth about what you think or how you feel because it will cause them shame
Does Shame Cause A Man To Use Porn?
[Shame is] just an emotion. You can have depression, you can have anxiety, you can feel bad. It’s very common for someone who [uses pornography] to have shame. But the shame is caused by the fact that they can't control use, despite negative consequences - everyone and anyone would feel shame if they couldn't control themselves. In other words, they’re hurting themselves. They’re hurting those around them. So they have shame because they can't stop. That’s the shame that’s associated with addiction. And that is separate and should be kept separate.
Gary Wilson, Shame and Addiction Expert
Shame, an emotion, cannot cause a person to use pornography, lie, gaslight, or commit infidelity.
These behaviors are choices, every single time. Shame is not forcing him to use porn.
Rather, men who use pornography may feel ashamed about it. And rightfully so. Pornography is a grave human rights issue. Pornography exploits women. Pornography exploits children. Pornography is modern-day slavery and torture. Any man who uses pornography deserves to be very ashamed.
Shame should serve a healthy purpose. It should help the porn user find the moral strength to stop doing what he knows is wrong. Instead, abusive men use "shame" to enable their own behaviors. They blame the victim. They excuse themselves. They blame their families of origin or current stresses. They refuse to take accountability and ownership that what they're doing is wrong and that is why they feel ashamed.
Victims Are Victims, Perpetrators Are Perpetrators
The toxic rhetoric that victims should remain silent, supportive, and un-questioning of their abusive partner's behaviors is deeply harmful. Of course,