Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Learning the 3 ways your abuser is grooming you may be pivotal stepping stones in your journey to safety and healing.



Abusers groom their victims when they manipulate victims and others into thinking that they are making lasting changes in their abusive and unfaithful behaviors. Sandy joins Anne on the free BTR podcast to take a deep dive into her journey of identifying her abusive ex-husband's grooming techniques, and ultimately finding safety and healing. Read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast for more.



Your Abuser is Grooming You If You Have to Remind or Convince Him Of His Abusive Behaviors



An abusive man who truly wants to change will not require you or anyone else to constantly remind him or convince him that behaviors are abusive.



Many victims get pulled into a soul-sucking cycle of consistently "teaching" their abuser that his behaviors are harmful. Victims in this cycle become emotionally exhausted, physically depleted, and sexually debased because men who require constant correction from their wives are not changing, they are just placating their victims.



Constantly Convincing Him Of The Abuse Doesn't Work




"After a year of trying to convince him that he needs to work through these big issues, that he needed to essentially be able to protect me from himself... he never understood. I doubt he understands it now."
Sandy, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery Community



As Sandy explained, even after a year of consistently trying to get him to see reality, her ex-husband wouldn't, and still won't, grasp the depth of the harm he caused. This truth can be painful to accept: you cannot convince your partner that what he is doing, and has done, has caused you immeasurable harm.



If you are in the cycle of calling your abuser out and having to convince him that you are indeed hurt by his horrific behaviors, you are probably being groomed.



Your Abuser is Grooming You When He Agrees With What You Say, But Doesn't Change His Behavior



Often, abusive men will gaslight their victims by agreeing to what they say without actually changing anything. For example, a woman may say that she's not okay with her partner using pornography. He may reply that he's sorry, he knows it's wrong, and he's going to stop right away.



He is grooming her if he continues to use pornography because even if he had the intention to stop (abusers usually believe they have good intentions), he didn't actually follow through with what he agreed to.



This can be a form of crazy-making. Many women report that they feel confused, afraid, and unheard when their partner repeatedly complies or agrees with what they say, then continues to abuse and betray them.



If Your Abuser Is Sexually Acting Out In Any Way, He Is Probably Grooming You



Sexually acting out to any degree is not a part of the recovery cycle: it is part of the abuse cycle.



When men promise to make changes but continue to act out, even if it's less frequent or less intense than before, they are not changing. They are still betraying and abusing their partners.




https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dol0pvVUrWQ




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