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episode 159: 3 Ways Your Husband Is "Meatloafing" You
Does your husband promise you that he will do anything to help heal your marriage from his abuse and betrayal? Then when you tell him what you need, he refsues to do it or simply ignores you? Kirsten, a courageous and delightfully witty member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community shares the three ways your husband is "meatloafing you". Read the full transcript below and listen to the free BTR podcast for more.
What Is "Meatloafing"?
Betrayal and abuse victims may ask their partner to honor their boundaries, live up to requests, or honor ultimatums. When abusers do not follow through on their promise to do "anything" to help create safety, they are "meatloafing" the victim. The term was coined by Kirsten from the famous Meatloaf song, "I Would Do Anything For Love."
Kirsten explains:
"Oftentimes the offending partner will profess with all kinds of words all the things that they’re willing to do. 'I feel so bad, I’ll do anything I can to fix this'; but when they are actually put to the test by a boundary or a task that has been set by the offended partner they refuse to engage, they refuse to follow through and so that just goes to show you that the old adage that you watch their feet and not their mouth is definitely true.Kirsten, member of the Betrayal Trauma Recovery community
Your Husband is Meatloafing You When He Refuses To Follow Through on Simple Tasks
Paying for something (Anne shares a story of an abuser refusing to pay for his daughter's lost earing), cleaning up after himself, honoring sexual and physical boundaries, keeping confidences, showing up for appointments... the simple requests that many abusers refuse to do, claiming it's on "principle" are signs of meatloafing.
When an abuser promises his partner or ex-partner that he will help her heal, he is offering to fulfill his duty to live amends. This means that reasonable requests should be honored.
When an abuser refuses to honor those reasonable requests, he is basically saying, "I would do anything for love, but I won't do that simple, easy, honorable thing you have asked me to do."
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oP2EJwI94j8
Does Your Husband Call You "Controlling"? He Is Probably Meatloafing You
When women set boundaries they are not being codependent or controlling. They are looking for safety and they are looking for truth.Anne Blythe, founder of Betrayal Trauma Recovery
A clear sign that your abuser is meatloafing you is that he says or implies that you are controlling. Abusers and their enablers regularly label safety-seeking behaviors and boundary-setting as "controlling". This comes out in statements like:
* "When you ask me to do things you remind me of my mom."* "I was going to do that but now that you're asking me I just want the freedom to do it in my own time when I'm ready."* "Why do you always make the decisions for our family?"* "Why are you asking me to do that when it's something you know I don't want to do?"* "I'm not going to do that on a matter of principle."
When Your Abuser Makes Grandiose Promises, He Is Meatloafing You
A man in true recovery shows his honesty, integrity, and commitment to change through serious lifestyle changes. He doesn't make over-the-top promises only to break them days or weeks later.
Tragically,