Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

This post is part of a series.
Join us for Part One: What Does God Say About Abuse? 
Have you been betrayed, gaslighted, and lied to? You are a victim of abuse. And you deserve safety.



Leslie Vernick, author and expert on healing from intimate betrayal, joins Anne on The BTR.Org Podcast to empower women to begin their journeys to healing today. 



Find Safety From Abuse: Begin Identifying Patterns



Abusers create a reality where victims are focused on the honeymoon phase of the abuse vortex, or are so fixated on seeing the good, or the abuser's potential, that the established patterns of abuse in the marriage go unnoticed.




He's attentive, he's being honest, he's paying the bills, and you're thinking, okay, he's changed, he's got it. He's doing good and we're better. But you have to look at the whole cycle. And that's why the patterns are so important for you to pay attention to because, obviously, most women don't marry jerks. They know that they have a good side or they wouldn't marry this person, so they're on their good side of the cycle, but the cycle is still the cycle. The bad side of this cycle is where they start to get tense or they start to get a feeling of whatever it is a compulsive feeling to act out or watch porn or the shame or whatever is going on with them, anger, that they're going to abuse or act out again.
Leslie Vernick



When victims courageously allow themselves to identify and document patterns of unhealthy and abusive behaviors, they are taking a monumental step toward safety. It is only when victims acknowledge and accept the full truth of their situation, that they are able to begin their journey to healing.



Accept That Divorce Doesn't "Break" Families: Betrayal & Abuse Break Families




In the Christian world anyway, we have kind of made an idol out of marriage. We so value the sanctity of marriage, and I value the sanctity of marriage, but not above the safety and the sanity of the people in the marriage. It's really true that the sins are passed down to the next generation to the next generation to the next generation. And when a woman begins to say, I don't want this happening to my kids, I don't want to grow up in this environment or have my kids grow up in the same environment I did. I'm going to take a stand and say, hey, I'm willing to work with you if you want to change and be a different person, but if you're going to continue this pattern, I'm not going to do life with you. That can seem very rebellious in a conservative Christian family. How dare you break up the family. She hasn't broken that family up; she's just exposed the truth about the family.
Leslie Vernick



One of the major hurdles for many victims of abuse in finding safety is the fear of breaking their family by separating or divorcing their abuser.



Fleeing a person who repeatedly harms you is not breaking or ruining a marriage: his harmful behaviors already destroyed the relationship, harmed your children, and broke your marital vows. If you choose to separate yourself from your abuser, you are simply responding in a healthy way to a very unhealthy situation.



Accepting this truth is a powerful move toward healing and peace.



Find Safety From Abuse By Prioritizing Safety Above All Else




Children who grew up in an environment where there's a lot of turmoil and s...