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episode 204: Betrayal is Abuse, Here's Why
When men betray their partners and then use covert means like gaslighting, turning tables, and clergy-triangulation to avoid accountability and keep victims from finding safety, they are committing a serious form of abuse that has lasting and devastating effects on victims.
Dr. Omar Minwalla, champion for women's rights and cutting-edge clinical sexologist, is back on the BTR podcast to explain why betrayal is abuse. Listen to the free BTR podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
Betrayal Is Abuse Because Victims Experience Significant Complex Trauma
Dr. Omar Minwalla explains that victims experience significant "complex trauma shaping" as a result of their partner's betrayal.
This means that due to the gaslighting, manipulation, and other abusive tactics used to protect the "secret sexual basement", victims are often unable to fully discern reality and must choose between their own intuition and the reality presented to them by their partner.
Victims will accept their partner's reality for many reasons, some include:
* Wanting to avoid a fight or placate the abuser
* That the victim is living in thick confusion as a result of constant gaslighting
* That the victim's self-esteem has been so eroded by abuse, that she no longer trusts her own ability to see reality
* Fear of how the abuser will react if she continues to ask questions
Betrayal Is Abuse: When He Demands Your Forgiveness
Has your husband demanded, or implied that you owe him, your forgiveness?
Betrayal is abuse because integrity abuse disorders stem from sexual entitlement.
Often, abusers will express further entitlement by demanding the victim's trust and forgiveness long before they've earned it.
Dr. Omar Minwalla calls this "premature forgiveness."
Ultimately, it's just another way for an abuser to subvert the proper channels of accountability, the hard work of trust-building. It's simply a way to control victims and exercise power of their emotional stability.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lc94wH9Q8UM
Betrayal Is Abuse, And You Are Allowed To Be Angry
Ultimately, betrayal is abuse because your partner knows that he is doing something that harms you deeply, and he chooses to do it anyway. If he lied to you and tried to cover it up, he is further abusing you.
These behaviors warrant anger, yet women are shamed and dismissed for feeling and expressing anger.
"Anger can be highly adaptive. There's a reason the anger is there. Anger we know can fuel so many positive health-promoting responses. Anger is useful. Anger is normal. Anger is to be expected. Now, when the victim expresses justified rage or anger, that's often pathologized and used to discredit the victim. That their reactions to the abuse are now used to discredit and try to silence and pathologize and deflect, and that's a lot of what integrity abuse is. It's a lot of that trying to deflect and turn things around."
Dr. Omar Minwalla
Betrayal Trauma Recovery Is Here For You
At BTR, we know how simultaneously devastating and validating it is to accept that your partner's betrayal is abuse.