If you're like many women in the BTR.ORG community, you've spent hours scouring the internet, researching the question - why does my husband show no empathy? Is it mental illness? A history of trauma? Is it physiological? Due to addiction or pornography use?
Or is it a choice? Is he choosing to exhibit little to no empathy in the marriage?
Nora is on the BTR.ORG podcast with Anne, taking a deep dive into why some men abuse their partners and refuse connect in a compassionate, healthy way. Listen to the free BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below for more.
All The (Wrong) Reasons...
Many women in the BTR.ORG community have tried to find the cause for their partner's cold, distant, abusive behaviors that do not include abuse - hopeful that their partner can change or be fixed so that the marriage can stay intact. Therapists, clergy, internet research and others may point them in the direction of:
* Mental illness* Addiction* Alcoholism* Anger problems* Pornography use* Personality disorders* Childhood trauma* Stress* Poor examples of marriage/relationships* Autism
While abusive men may have any combination of these, abuse is a choice that men make - not a condition that they cannot control. So alcoholism, for example, may exacerbate abuse, but it is not the cause of abuse.
Prioritize Your Safety Instead of Your Marriage
Abusing You Is His Choice: Now What?
Understanding that he is choosing to abuse you, despite any number of addictions, illnesses, disabilities, or disorders, can be scary.
Victims may feel trapped, wondering how to proceed.
When a disorder, addiction, or other external issue is to blame, then there is a solution - but when it's his choice to be abusive, only he can make the choice to change.
Women seeking education regarding an abusive partner may benefit from these resources:
* BTR.ORG Individual Sessions* Lundy Bancroft's book Why Does He Do That?* BTR.ORG Group Sessions* The BTR.ORG Podcast
BTR.ORG Is Here For You
At BTR.ORG, we know the mixture of deep emotions that come up when victims begin to accept the realities of abuse.
We are here for you on your journey to healing.
Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne.
I have Nora Taylor on today's episode. She is a 45-year-old academic and solo mother of three boys who lives in New England. She's also a victim of betrayal and emotional, psychological, and financial abuse. Her ex-husband, who is a former police officer, and diagnosed on the autism spectrum, is currently serving a sentence in federal prison.
(03:37):After a child pornography conviction, events revealed that the illegal behavior likely began before the 18-year relationship started in their college years. And the marriage unraveled when blame-shifting, lying, gaslighting, and infidelity escalated. During Taylor's third pregnancy, her ex-husband staunchly denied knowing anything about the child sex abuse material on his computer and has insisted that Taylor ...