Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

When something just feels off - 
When his story doesn't quite add up -
When he gives you that strange, blank look before answering a simple question - 
It's hard to admit what may be on your mind: "I Think My Husband's Lying To Me".
Emily is on the BTR.ORG podcast sharing her own story of seeking safety after learning that her abuser was living a double life, rife with lies and manipulation. Tune in to the BTR.ORG podcast and read the full transcript below for more. 
The Abuser Puts On A Facade

[The abuser] is super spiritual and we did all the religious things and I just thought that I had married a spiritual, religious, truthful person. I didn't think that he was capable of the lies and betrayal that ensued.
Emily, member of the BTR.ORG Community

Many victims struggle to accept that the abuser is manipulating them because of the incredibly believable facade they put on. The abuser may wear a mask that makes him seem:

* Devoutly religious
* Like an honorable leader (many abusers hold public leadership roles)
* Incredibly smart (doctors, attorneys, professors, etc)
* Gentle (others may say things like, "He wouldn't hurt a fly!"
* Altruistic and woke (some abusers may be very involved in human rights activism, civil rights, or other causes to seem like a good person)
* Grounded and at peace (they may wear this mask by getting involved in new-age practices like yoga, meditation, secular Buddhism, becoming a life coach, etc).

The Abuser Gaslights You To Avoid Getting Caught In His Lies

Our marriage was just falling apart. I could not explain why. I couldn't figure out what was wrong. I thought it was me. He had told me throughout the our marriage that like I was too mean and he wasn't attracted to me. So I, I thought, you know, it's just me.
Emily, member of the BTR.ORG Community

Abusers will keep victims spiraling in every direction so that catching them in their lies is a nearly impossible feat. 
They keep victims especially fixated on their own "flaws" so that victims feel that they're not allowed or worthy to address the abuser's dishonesty. 
If Something Feels Off, Trust Yourself
Ultimately, you can't outsmart an abuser - they'll deny, gaslight, and project until they're blue in the face.
Even if they do admit that they're lying, they will never give you the closure and validation that you deserve.
Instead, trust yourself that something is off and instead of seeking definitive proof and a confession, seek safety. 
Our BTR.ORG Group Sessions are a safe space for you to process your trauma and work toward safety. Attend a session today. 
 
Full Transcript: 
Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. I have a member of our community on today's episode. We're gonna call her Emily and she's gonna share her story. So welcome, Emily.
Emily (03:22):Thank you. It's great to be here.
Anne (03:25):It's kind of nerve-wracking sometimes to think about sharing with other people, so I'm really grateful that you were willing. Can you start at the beginning? Did you recognize your husband's behaviors as abuse at the time when you began your relationship with him?
Emily (03:39):No, not at all. You were the first one that made me ever even consider it abusive. Just from listening to your podcasts, um, before that, that had never even crossed my mind.
Anne (03:53):Let's start with that then. What, what types of behaviors were you experiencing that led you to want to seek some help?
Learning the Term "Gaslighting" 
Emily (04:02):Well, he had an affair. So after that, it was actually about five years after the affair was discovered tha...