Betrayal Trauma Recovery - BTR.ORG

Is your husband listening to the BTR.ORG podcast?
Is he claiming that he's "changed"?
Has he confessed his affairs, pornography use, abuse, and sexual coercion to clergy and now claims a "change of heart" or other spiritual epiphany?
Often, abusive men use our content as well as other educational abuse material (like Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft) to learn how to groom their wives. Tune in to the BTR.ORG Podcast to hear what one abuser shared with Anne in a recent email and read more below to learn three common phrases that abusers say when trying to manipulate their wives. 
"It Breaks My Heart That Men Abuse Women (Like I USED To Do)"
Abusers will acknowledge that they used to be abusive, but will subtly remove themselves from the identity of "abuser" to "non abuser" by:

* Showing immense (false) compassion for abuse victims;
* Showing immense (false) compassion for abusers, offering spiritual, religious, or emotional support to them and offering to be mentors, or other sources of support on their "journey to change";
* Bearing testimony or other public forms of admission of their prior life as an abuser (even if it was last week);
* Enrolling in or starting a program to help abusers change (becoming a life coach, counsellor, or religious leader);
* Insisting that others do not label them as "abusers", but rather someone "who used to be abusive"

"I Want to Be a Leader & Teacher to Other Men Since I'm So Enlightened And Changed" 
Abusers will often claim to have received some kind of spiritual call to teach or guide other men into the enlightenment that they have now achieved.
Many will become (or try to become):

* Active or more active in their church communities
* Leaders in their churches
* Life coaches, abuse coaches, or fitness coaches
* Yoga gurus, new age coaches
* Cult leaders
* Social media influences
* Self-published authors
* Therapists, counselors
* 12-step sponsors 

If they are unable to find success, they often claim that it's because they are victims, thwarted by those who have ruined their reputations. Perhaps they were excommunicated from their faith community or lost credibility in their community due to an arrest. 
"Don't Be Afraid of My Reaction if You Choose Divorce"
Be warned: if the abuser says this to you, there is a high, HIGH probability that you are being groomed.
Abusers use this line to find out if the victim is seeking a divorce. They know that domestic violence victim advocates warn victims to keep their divorce plans top secret until the last second - in an effort to keep the victims as safe as possible.
Abusers feel entitled to your privacy and your marriage - this is their subtle tactic to take your autonomy and your safety. 
If he says these words, hear what he's ACTUALLY saying:
I AM NOT SAFE - I AM TRYING TO MANIPULATE YOU.
BTR.ORG Is Here For You
We know the shock and pain of realizing that the abuser is not actually changing, but is just trying to manipulate you into believing he's changing - and we don't want you to go through that alone.
Attend our BTR.ORG Group Sessions and find the community that you need as you make your way to safety.
We love you. We believe you. 
Full Transcript: 
Anne (00:00):Welcome to BTR.ORG. This is Anne. If you're new to the BTR podcast, you may wanna consider starting with the oldest episode first and then making your way forward chronologically. If you do that, you'll take the journey with me as I learn more and more.